Sunday
by lawful creations
Summary: Everyone knows that Prussia is fading soon. When you're close to death, you start to think about everything you have ever done, everything you've seen. The people you love, the people you've lost... The thoughts of a loved one brings heavy rain to Prussia's head and he plans to make enormous changes to see him.
1. Chapter 1: Careful Steps

Chapter 1 **Careful Steps**

The sun didn't bother coming out today. It decided to rest it's head behind the coverage of lumbering clouds. I envy the sun. All over the world, there are civilizations that praise the sun for the things it does. The sun never fails to rise again - perhaps what such civilizations envy as well. The sun brings life; it makes living somewhat bearable. There are times where I do not envy the sun, however. The sun does not sleep. It does not get anything back from doing the things it does. It is forever still. A slight movement of the sun could alter the universe we know.

It's important that the sun continues doing it's job. What if it were to fade?

What if we as a species, who is dependent on this energy, decided to ignore our inevitable fate? Would it make anything less difficult? Would we try to ignore the things starting to die around us, the days becoming darker?

You can only lie to yourself for so long.

There are two different kinds of people: you may resent death, perhaps you haven't accomplished what you believe you were put on this earth for, or you may welcome the peace of rest as living taking its toll on your mind and body and the thought of an eternal sleep sounds like _heaven_.

—

I have been sitting in bed for hours. I stare at wooden floorboards that aren't mine; they are my brother's. He's been gone since this morning - like every morning. Lifting the sheets, allowing my warm comfort to escape like fallen leaves with a cool breeze. Later, letting water run down my back in attempt to cleanse myself.

 _Cleanse._

Pulling my legs over the edge of the bed erupted a breath. It felt like air had returned to my lungs as a foreign object. Today feels different; every step feels careful, as if I were to make the wrong move, I could fall. I would not fall to the floor, however, I would fall out of existence. Dying is a less poetic way to put it.

Making it to the living area of my home, I keep my feet centered and still. My eyes glaze over furniture and frames, my mind rushing through reels of memories. Things don't change in this house; visually, at least.

I'm not afraid of what comes next.

My brother knows. He knows you can only stretch a rubber band so far before it

can no longer stretch. It breaks.

I wonder if he also walks with careful steps. How many steps are in a life time? I see the food my brother prepared for me. Why he continues to care for this empty shell is beyond my knowledge. I take a bite and feed the rest to his dogs. I wonder when he will notice that dogs are getting bigger by the day. Chances are that he already has. He's so smart.

He most likely doesn't want to confront me about it. He will only ask about it and he will get a response that is getting more common from me nowadays. I will apologize and ask for forgiveness.

 _Forgiveness._

My coming fate is a topic that no one simply talks about to one another. Only behind the comfort of locked doors and trust that the other will keep quiet. Who could live like that? Knowing you are always on someones mind but not in the way you wish you could be.

They think of you as weak and frail and even they can hear your ticking starting to fade into the silence with the rest of your image and story. Do they walk with careful steps? Do they think their steps could possibly affect me?

Do they wonder whats happens to me? Do they dare pry into my past to see if I fit into this list of requirements to get me to this place of _divinity_?

Religion has been a major part of my upbringing. Today I can still remember the core values I held back when I was a knight. I fought for my land under the name of God and, of course, my King.

Today is not the day to remind myself of how much I care about him. I know Fritz is watching me now. He's watching as each drop of immortality leaves my soul, perhaps getting anxious. Sitting in the living room, I only imagine what it will be like to see him again. He's happy, happy to see me. Happy to see that I have made it to heaven.

Heaven. A place only deserving of people who haven't tainted their body of _sin._

I feel my breath trip over itself and my organs slowly shrink to hide behind each other in front of the thought that had raced within my mind.

I never thought I would have to ask myself if I were going to go where great people go when their lives are complete.

Is there a limit to the sin you are allowed to commit before there is no going back?

Feeling sick, I rush my very careful feet to the bathroom, hoping to control my breathing. Fear doesn't attack your heart or your mind first. It makes homage in your lungs where you can't get rid of it. You cannot think it away, you cannot feel it until it's too late.

Now you must bear it until it gets bored with your body in the state that it's in.

I, by the bible, have sinned one too many times and therefore, I am damned to hell.

"Damn it!" My first words of the day flee my throat as I shout them in the direction of the faucet which isn't running unlike my tears. I may never see him again. My memories are not enough to satisfy the years, decades, centuries since I have seen the only man I ever looked up to.

Sloppily I bring my hand to wipe the shame from my face. I can't waste tears on my self disappointment. Taking a shaky breath I leave the bathroom to make my way to my brother's bed once more. My hands grab the thin white sheet before my body freezes.

This is sin.

Pictures of my brother flashed before my eyes like a polaroid spitting images. I never wanted to burn those images before today. He was never _just_ my brother.

 _Incest._

I move my legs one step at a time before I kneeled beside the bed. My eyes glazed, fixed at nothing. My arms make their way up to the edge of the bed and my hands are timid. How long has it been?

"Hey God, I know don't write much…" I paused as my hands found their way to each other in an embrace. "We… I have a lot to talk about."


	2. Chapter 2: Him

Chapter 2 **Him**

What would you give to start over? Perhaps you are one of those people who are content with themselves. Your past experiences have made you who you are today, true. But what would you give to be someone else? What do you think would change if you made a different decision that you regret making? Chances are, you would be a very different person.

Your shoes do not make your feet quieter or softer. They do not make you weigh less as every step cracks the ice even more. You are in the middle of the lake called life.

You've made a mistake.

You cant take your shoes off now, it's too late. Do you stand and wait for the ice to melt or do you continue knowing the cracks will follow and create the unthinkable? Lets say that you make it out of the lake alive and dry. You won't do that again, with the same shoes of course. Some may try again with different shoes only to get the same response.

There are some mistakes you can't go back and fix- especially if they are destined to happen again.

—

I can hear the door open and close a few rooms down. _He's_ home. Has it been that long since this morning? My knees are still plastered to the floor, red and bruised from hours of holding what is left of my weight. My white hair is still tussled from last nights sleep and my forehead has rested on the bedside for a while. I have prayed for hours. I can hear _his_ boots tap around the house. Looking for me?

"Please lord, protect me from the demons tonight." I whisper this to myself as I hear the black leather boots tap into the doorway behind me. I can't look. I can never look at _him_ again the same way.

"Bruder? What in the world are you doing?"

Even his voice, that _word. That word no longer has the same meaning._ I don't bother moving but my voice seems to have courage today.

"I'm _praying."_ My tongue tasted like venom. I wanted him so much to get a hint. I am having an internal war.

I want to hug him like I always do and ask how work was just to get the same answer as the day before. I want to make him smile and relax.

I want _him_ to know what we have done wrong. I want _him_ to repent. _He_ can be saved with me. It's not too late. This incestuous gay sin is preventing me- _us_ from going to heaven. Even though he should never have to worry about that. He will live on for a very long time without me.

"Praying? Bruder, when did you start praying again?" _He_ walked into the room and I could hear him unbuttoning his coat and folding it away.

"Today." I kept my answer short. I wish I had prayed in my own room. I could have all of the privacy I could need. However, I believe my knees would not allow me to get up and walk swiftly to the other room. I hate how my body is deteriorating. I wouldn't be able to attempt to get up without shame filling my face. I can no longer get up on my own. I never wanted to reach this point.

Ludwig didn't verbally reply but I could hear a pause in his movements. My ears were hypersensitive. I could hear his breathing, every movement of each muscle under his clothes, under his tight skin.

I take a breath before moving my hands to the edge of the bed. Could I push myself up? I hope he isn't watching. Holding my breath, I push against the mattress, my legs moving out from under me. Now on my feet, my arms still supported my upper body. I hear the movement behind me halt. I force myself to laugh.

"I'm getting old."

Slowly, I stand up with bent knees. Blood rushed to the untouched part of my skin and I could feel them pulse. I close my eyes. Please allow me to walk again. Taking a step back, I feel every muscle left in my body tighten as my knees buckled and the ceiling suddenly came into view.

I am falling. Was this it? I close my eyes as I brace for impact—that never came. I open my eyes to see shining blue ones. Why did _he_ have to catch me?

I can feel the shame rise into my face. I can feel it infect my nose and my cheeks it then overflowed in my eyes. I can not hide my shame. My arms were being held with bigger hands to ensure that I don't fall.

Quickly, the larger german pulls me to the bed and he holds me. I feel so much smaller than him. I love how warm he is. How much he cares about me. My eyes close and I enjoy my brother's embrace.

No.

My eyes spring open. Have I learned nothing? I start to struggle and push against his chest to get out of his lap.

"Bruder, what's the matter?" He attempts to keep me in his sinful grip.

I refuse to answer as I finally make it off of his lap and I sit with my knees to chest. The room was silent. I stare at my cherry red knees. This is worth it. I wipe my shame off with my shoulder, showing its residence on my white T-shirt.

"Gilbert. What is wrong?" His voice hardens and I don't need to look at him to know that he is wearing his concerned face. His eyes crisp and his brows closer together firmly.

How do I tell him? This is my fault. I initiated everything that is wrong between us and now I have to pay.

"You are going to think I'm…" what would he think of me? Would he be shocked, angry, would he feel sad? "think I'm crazy." I already know how he's going to respond.

"Bruder, you know I won't ever think of you like that."

"Don't call me…" I stopped myself. That is a horrible place to start.

I sit there in silence, shaking my head at the several ways I want to word this.

"I wan't to see him again." I shove my head between my chest and my legs. He knows exactly who I'm talking about.

The blonde didn't move after a moment before releasing a sigh, "I know, I know-"

Something within me snapped as I heard the first two words. "DO YOU?" My head popped up as I shouted to the other german. His eyes were wide in shock. He opens his mouth to speak but he doesn't deserve to speak.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED TO SEE HIM? I AM-" I almost couldn't say it.

"IM DYING, BRUDER. YOU KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS. HELL THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS IT. BUT DO YOU KNOW… DO YOU KNOW THAT I MIGHT NOT SEE HIM? I MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO SERVE MY KING AGAIN. AT THIS RATE, WE WILL BE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DONT YOU?" Shame streams down my face as I shout. My eyes never leave his.

The ice is melting.

His face softens after I finish shouting. His eyes lower to show his understanding.

"So this is why…" He starts with his eyes still at the sheets. "You want to be with him that badly… I understand." His eyes trail up to look at his brother's face which was red with emotion.

He and I both knew it was a shitty response. He just wants to make me happy and I appreciate that.

"I'm sorry, Ludwig. I need to save myself and this…" I couldn't help but to look his face. I can tell there is shame in his face as well. He, however, is skilled at holding it back. "This can't happen anymore. Our… relationship surpasses those of simple… brothers." More shame races down my face. Does it fall where it hopes to go home? Underneath me, this house, this earth where it will eventually fade due to the immense heat of sin.

"I don't want this to be… preventing me from seeing him." I could hear the other tense and his breath froze in front of him.

Why is it so cold all of a sudden?

His eyes are now glazed but he isn't looking at anything. He is in his own thought. Has he walked with careful steps for nothing?

"Please don't… I don't… Please understand that I don't… regret us." He was out of thought now and he studies my face. What is he looking for? Perhaps he looks for doubt- I know this is hard for him but there is no other way. He won't understand.

—

I've been sitting in bed for hours. I stare at my floor board but I never knew that the birds carved into the wood could sing. My brother is behind me. We are only separated by wood, drywall and silence. A silence that is thick and bullet proof.


	3. Chapter 3: Bullet Proof

Chapter 3 **Bullet Proof**

He will never understand. He could be anyone to you. He's doing great things without you. He always judges you and makes His own decisions based on how you live your life. He can finish you- make you whole. Who is He?

He is strong, yet He is weak for you. He is hard as light yet He feels softer than sleep. From the beginning He appeared in your mind. He may not have fit those words in your mind yet you changed Him. You have the power to change anyone in your mind.

—

I have never woken up so cold before. My blood was cold but my head was hot. I can't run away from this. I can't run away from something I don't even understand. I need to give him a chance. Why now- Why must this vision of an afterlife infect my brother when he is running out of time. Doesn't he understand that he has whatever he needs here? I get out of bed and carefully place the sheet back down out of habit.

Should I make him breakfast?

My mind pauses for a moment dawning on the question: What am I able to do and not do now?

I walk out of my room to my brother's room. The door nob is cold; it's frozen. I sigh while shaking my head, dismissing my attempt to communicate with my brother and head down the hallway.

I sit in the living room and subconsciously peel the skin from my lips. Catching myself, I quickly stand up and storm into the kitchen and I bite my tongue in self punishment.

Do I want to taste blood?

My hands gravitate towards a washrag and my arms are activated in a muscle memory motion. I organize the dirty dishes with reckless abandon but the noise couldn't crack the bullet proof glass of my mind. I wouldn't care if I broke them. If anything, it would make me feel better.

I scrubbed the grime and all action happened in my peripheral vision. I was not focusing on anything but the pure feeling of dirt disintegrating under my fist.

My brothers past screams echo within my mind. Repeatedly, I emphasize distinctive phrases;

" _I AM DYING, BRUDER " "I MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO SERVE MY KING AGAIN. "_

 _Serve my king._

 _I am dying._

 _Bruder._

Yesterdays events with my brother shocked me so violently I wasn't able to process the meaning of his speech but now I stand here analyzing every word. I am on the verge of rage, currently simmering in anger as I line up all reasonable facts of this depressing situation. Gilbert is dying and in this process he came to the realization that there could be a possibility of seeing Fritz once he passes.

I understand the body aching need to see the one you love again, to hold their warmth within your own hands and experience the unique happiness that only you two can create together. Gilbert views Fritz similarly to how I view Gilbert. He was a boss, guardian, father and I'm sure a lover as well.

" _I don't want this to be… preventing me from seeing him."_

Noisily, I place the dripping clean dishes into the dry rack, nearly throwing them in the process.

I realize now that I am no longer my brothers brother, that I am the embodiment of sin he wishes to cleanse himself of. I am a reason my brother wouldn't be reunited with Fritz again. My heart sinks, out of my eyes and into the soapy water below. I am a burden, no longer useful. He believes in order to reunite with Fritz he has to change himself, to drown in false hope and fake purities. How the hell does he even know where Fritz is? Naturally, Gilbert thinks of this man in a positive light and so would assume he passed on into Heaven.

A noise from a couple rooms down halts my assault and my ears become alert to any following sounds. Bare footsteps and bones.

My heart skips a beat realizing Gilbert is approaching closer. Quickly, I rub away any signs of distress, rinse the last dish and head towards my brother to aid him in walking.

Wait.

I stop in my tracks. Was I even able to help him? I felt ashamed to show my face.

"You're being so noisy, could you… kick it down a notch?" The albino walks down the hall with a hand tracing the skin of the walls. He used to have such vibrant eyes like fires in burning cities, now they are darkening like blood scabbing on an open wound.

Hesitantly, I hold my hand out to him for assistance. I would hate to get bitten.

"Do you need any help walking?"

His eyes tell me no but his body tells me yes. He continues to walk though, rejecting my offer.

"I'm walking on my own just fine. Just as I did yesterday and the day before that."

Pulling my shamed hand back, all I can do is watch him struggle to make it to the couch.

I silently stand aside watching as he limps past me. Slowly, I trail behind him until he is seated in the couch. I have always had a careful eye on my brother, ready to jump in front of any bullet for him, as much as he prides himself, my brother isn't bulletproof. Then again, neither am I.

For a split second my attentive eyes catch the sad sight my brother has become. His body looks as if its already began to decay, the muscle they worked so hard to gain has reduced into frail limbs, hazy eyes are rimmed with black bags and his skin is sickly white. I couldn't bare to look any longer. He is no longer the lean muscular knight who raised me.

I stand behind the couch- behind him. My previous thoughts rush through and my start to feel uneasy. I would hate to bother him with questions so early.

"Why… Would you like me to make you breakfast?" I almost couldn't control my words.

Gilbert shakes his head and shrugs, "I'm not really hungry." Sighing, I walk around the couch and sit next to him. I can visually see him tense up. "You really should eat. It won't do you any good to starve yourself." I know he hasn't been eating. He didn't eat last night and judging by the growth of my fully grown dogs, he hasn't been eating his breakfast.

"I haven't been feeling very hungry, Ludwig." He's keeping his answers short and it frustrates me to no end. Will he no longer talk to me like a brother?

"Then how have you been feeling?" My eyes study the side of his face for any answers that I can come up with on my own.

"You know… you aren't one to usually talk about feelings."

He cracks a smile from the side of his mouth.

I cant hold myself back. The sight of his smile is wonderful but his words triggered a fire in my mind. "You're avoiding the question. How do you feel, bruder? How do you feel about… me?" My words fire out of me like bullets to his heart and I can tell it hurt.

His eyes didn't move, they're staring at nothing. His mouth is slightly ajar but nothing comes out until he speaks, "I don't want to talk about that right now…" His voice lowers as he speaks as well as his eyes.

"Not now?" His shoulders turn away from me and less of his face is viewable for my eyes. "When _are_ we going to talk about this? You can't ignore this forever." I only received silence from the other and that was not the water to quench my flame. "You can't ignore me forever."

Noises outside consisted of wild birds and wind. Occasionally, the quick car drove down the road reviving those sounds.

After a moment, Prussia finally spoke up"I know its hard to… understa-"

I stopped him. " You're right. It is hard to understand! I don't understand how you could give up the rest of your life for someone who has been dead for centuries. I don't understand how you can use religion as an excuse to… to ignore me. I don't understand how this imaginary concept of a life after death could infect so many people, especially my bruder! ", I began with a quick tongue that progressed into sloppy anger. Now I had to stop myself. If I hadn't, the tears would return and I'm afraid they wouldn't ever leave. The bruder I just spoke of sat tense in front of me, those red hued eyes swirl with an emotion I couldn't pin point correctly. I guess that, much like myself, Gilbert isn't sure how to feel at the moment except for a cold guilt that hurts to the core.

Often losing my temper has given me the skill to regain myself quickly. I exhale and look forward.

" Listen...Gilbert. ", I danced around the word he saw to be sinful, "Yesterday shocked me...in ways I wasn't prepared for. So, today I thought about what you said. I took every word into consideration and came out with my own opinions and….", I explained, stopping to evaluate what next I was to say. Should I...speak my mind? All of it? I finally have his attention, he is actually looking at me.

" I know you miss Fritz, you always have. He's an honourable man and one...one that you love. And somewhere along thinking you thought that you'd be reunited with him after passing but...but Gilbert..", I exhaled in exhaustion from holding myself together so tightly. Did bulletproof mean shatterproof?

" Are you even certain you will see him? Is he even in heaven?", I began to lose my composure at the hurtful words that sputtered from my croaking mouth. "Suddenly you've gotten sick and believe Fritz is in Heaven. Naturally you want to...join him and..", my tense shoulders drop heavily onto me as I avert my burning eyes, " purify any sin youve done...which includes me. I am...an embodiment of your sin..", Pathetically i muttered those final words, not wanting to hear it. The air is hot around me, i am trying hard to keep my breathing paced but i am only getting more frustrated with myself and my bruder.

"I am not certain if your doing this on purpose, but you cant ignore me. You can not ignore me within your last days here a-and expect me to be perfectly fine with that! Your a dummkopf if you believe so! ", I burst out along with tears, choking only once within my speech. Furiously, i wiped away at the water that insisted to keep pressuring on.

"All I have ever done is given you my loyalty! I loved you no matter how obscene things got! I protected you and trained and studied for years to keep us safe and s-suddenly my bruder is... throwing me aside?! All for a dead man and an imaginary god?", I argue with all my might. For a moment I sit there waiting for my Bruder to respond but given how violent my outburst is becoming I hide my face, leaning down into my hands as my elbows rest upon shaking knees. I could only compare this pain to when I first lost my bruder to another man in the past.

Prussia inhales and it seems like hours goes by until he exhales. His lungs must hurt like mine. His bone white fingers curl into a fist that grips his pants. They are loose on him now. There is a moment where after all of the air leaves his lungs, none are allowed to return. I can only imagine what he feels. He must have known how I felt. No one can make an exaggerated change like that without knowing that it affects the people around you. Everything is slow.

Everything is fast. His body moves but his soul stays behind. I can hear his bones scream as he makes quick movements. My eyes blink in shock but when they open he is gone. My core moves off the couch but I feel weighted by guilt. The door is open and his jacket is gone. Why am I so slow. I can stop him but my legs aren't moving fast enough. I can only watch him run away from me.


End file.
